Factsheet 17, for parents and teachers

© Royal College of Psychiatrists

Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Section

Divorce affects 150,000 children each year in the UK. If divorce of married parents and separation of unmarried parents are taken into account, nearly half of all children in the UK will face this crisis by the end of their childhoods.

How are children affected?

The child may suffer in his or her own right. There may be the distress and trauma of events leading up to the family break-up, the way the break-up happened and an enormous sense of loss. The child's or adolescent's world may seem turned upside down and he or she may come to feel abnormal and even despairing. It may feel as if they are being rejected or are the cause of the separation.

Many childhood emotional and behavioural problems occur more frequently in situations of marital discord and breakdown. The parting of parents may make the child very insecure and give rise to fears that the remaining parent may also abandon him or her. 'Babyish' behaviour (e.g. bedwetting, 'clinginess', nightmares, worries or naughtiness) may be caused by the separation and occur before or after visits to the non-resident parent. Teenagers may slow distress by 'acting out' or becoming withdrawn. Concentration at school may be affected.

The child's trauma may be greatly increased if the warring parents involve the child in their conflict. Children and adolescents can be caught up in the conflict in the following ways:

• One parent's endless criticisms and hostilities about the other.
• Being asked to take sides, e.g. by being asked with whom they prefer to live, or to produce evidence of fault in a parent.
• A parent appearing helpless and seeking the child's or adolescent's support.

What are the consequences?

Firstly, there are the problems resulting directly from the impact on the child or adolescent of his or her parents no longer loving each other and no longer living together. Examples of these are:

• a sense of loss
• feeling abnormal, with an abnormal family a fear of abandonment
• anger at one or both parents for the split up self-blame and guilt about the split up
• a sense of rejection
• longing for a return to normality, with both parents living together.

Some children, when the marriage or partnership has been very hostile or violent, may be relieved or have mixed feelings when it finally ends.

Secondly, there are the problems resulting from the child or adolescent being brought into the adult squabbles and distress. Children or adolescents may for example:

• become the focus of the dispute, e.g. money residence, contact
• come to believe they are to blame for the dispute
• feel torn in two because loyalty to one parent may be seen as betrayal by the other
• feel he or she is not allowed to love both parents or be loved by both parents
• blame one parent for the split up. Sometimes the child or adolescent identifies with the parent at fault
• be used as a weapon by one parent or the other. Parents may wittingly or unwittingly encourage disturbed behaviour for this purpose.
• live with a parent who is so consumed with anger or distress that there is no-one offering the child much parenting or support.

What should be done to help

The aim of any two parents who are splitting up must be to ensure an ongoing relationship with his or her partner for dealing with parenting issues. The golden rule is that the adults (in this case the parents) must take on the responsibility for what is happening as theirs and theirs alone, and convey this clearly to the young person. Parents must see their role as protecting their children from adult matters and adult responsibilities.

Parents need to be sensitive to how each child may be affected, and how he or she may be feeling and reacting. It is important that parents consider ways of minimising the trauma 'for the child (making sure he or she feels safe, secure and confident; that problems can be sorted out; and ongoing relationship with each parent sustained). Parents need to look at and discuss between themselves how issues between them may be affecting the child, and how they can protect the child.

The principles guiding parents should be:

• Openness and lots of communication so that the child not only knows what is going on, but feels it is okay to ask questions.
• Reassurance that he or she is still loved by both parents and will be cared for.
• Parents making time to be easily available to the child.
• Reassurance about the future.
• Conveying clearly that while the parents are interested in the child's views, it is they who are responsible for decisions.
• Continuing usual activities and routines, for example seeing friends and members of the extended family and making as few changes as possible. This helps the child feel life can be normal, and provides support for the child.

How to get help

If there are major difficulties in helping the children cope, it is the parents who need to address these and, if necessary seek outside help. Your GP will be able to offer support and advice, and to refer on as appropriate. Some children may need specialist help from the local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service.

Sources of further information

The Children's Society (1988) Focus on Families: Divorce and its Effects on Children.

Wells, R. (1989) Helping Children Cope with Divorce. Sheldon Press.

Burrett, J. (1993) To and Pro Children: A Guide to Successful Parenting after Divorce. Thorsow

There are also a variety of books for children themselves, targeted at different age groups. For a book-list, contact the National Family Mediation, which is the organisation specifically set up to help families who are separating:

National Family Mediation
9 Tavistock Place, London WC 1 H 95N Tel.020 73835993.

RELATE helps couples with relationship difficulties.
Herbert Gray College, Littlechurch Street, Rugby
Warwicks CV2 1 3AP
Tel. 01788 573241 for details of your local branch.

Jewish Marriage Council
23 Ravenshurst Avenue, London NW4 4EE
Tel.020 82036311.

CitizensAdvice Bureaux. Your local branch is listed in the telephone directory

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