Bullying is unpleasant for children. It makes them unhappy. They do not concentrate on their work at school. Sometimes it is difficult for them to talk about it or admit that it is happening to them. Left to continue it causes more misery and sometimes physical complaints. We often see children in the surgery who have a variety of symptoms such as abdominal pains, headaches, tiredness and just plain feeling unwell whose root cause is bullying. Bullying can be physical and verbal; both can be equally damaging. Bullying is very common. In one study of 4,000 children, 68%, that is, nearly 7 out of every 10 said that they had been bullied at some time, usually at school or between school and home. Bullying usually happens when no adult is around.

When should you suspect bullying?

Your child may be reluctant to go to school, or may avoid using the usual route to school. They may feel ill in the mornings or find other ways of avoiding school. Your child may come home having lost some possessions, pocket money, dinner money, or with damaged clothes or books. They may have signs of physical abuse such as cuts or bruises, or of mental scarring such as becoming withdrawn, crying and having nightmares. Continuous bullying causes depression and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Bullying is always distressing and painful for children. Children who are bullied may not easily disclose this and may give other explanations for these findings that are not always plausible; they may be frightened of further bullying.

What can you do?

The first thing to do is ask your child directly if you are worried that bullying may be occurring. Offer them your support and help. If children say they are being bullied, take them seriously and get to the bottom of the story. Don't ignore it, don't shrug it off as of little importance and don't agree to keep it secret since these will all allow the bullying to continue. Unfortunately most parents of children who are bullied take no steps to prevent it, thus helping to ensure that the bullying continues. Make sure you let your child know how much you value him/her and what they do. You need to boost their self confidence and self esteem.

You need to get the school to help you with bullying. Approach them in a spirit of cooperation since they too will want to stop bullying. It helps them if you have kept a written record of what has happened and, if appropriate, photographs of physical injury or damage. Ask to meet the child's teacher to discuss what can be done. Schools are responsible for the care of children whilst they are in school as well as providing adequate education.

What your child should do?

Responding to bullying by crying or becoming upset is exactly the reaction the bully is after. If your child behaves like a victim the bullying will continue. You need to empower them to react differently and this takes a lot of courage. Your child must understand that the bullying is not their fault. Reassure your child that he/she is 100% OK as a person and can walk tall and confident in the world. Ignoring the bully helps because if bullying does not elicit the desired response the bully gets bored. Your child needs to be able to say NO very firmly and walk away. The bully finds it hard to continue when he is ignored in this way. If you can help your child have some prepared answers to the bully this will be useful. Don't give the bully opportunities; don't take money or valuables to school, avoid being alone or last, and stay in groups.

Where can I get further information?

Kidscape at 152 Buckingham Palace Road, London SW1W 9TR, tel. 020 7730 3300, has a variety of information packs and leaflets for children, adults and parents. They are very helpful and Kidscape are worthwhile contacting if you think your child has a problem with bullying.